March always ends on such a bittersweet note. I'm always reminded of the plans that never happened because one September evening, our lives changed forever. Maybe it was supposed to end like that because we're meant to let the memories float us through on days like this. 

[March 31st. ❤️]

Home.

Home. A home is so much more than the walls, rooms, doors and windows. 

When I was younger, I'd always want to go out, whether it was with friends or family. Shopping, cinemas, eating out.. it didn't matter as long as I was out. Fast forward 10 years or so and the essence of home has changed so much.

Home has become a place of happiness and comfort; a retreat even, after a bad day or a long week at work. Sometimes now when I’m out with my friends or cousins, all I look forward to is going home and talking to Mum over a cup of coffee and catching up on Hollyoaks with her. Late nights are almost a thing of the past and the best weekends, albeit pretty boring, are when I can stay at home all day and have a Gilmore Girls marathon.

A couple of months ago, my parents and two younger brothers went abroad and the house felt so bare. It wasn’t the same coming home to an empty house after work. As much as I sometimes want some peace and quiet, I realised that the life and soul of a home comes from the people who live in it. 

A home isn't just bricks and concrete, but a place where the foundation is love, cemented by the bonds shared between a family, built over a lifetime. 

Home is the mess my brother's make when they do something, the sweaty smell of their clothes when they come back from football, the laughter in the air when we're making jokes.

Home is my dad's business papers scattered around, his jumpers lying on the sofa, his words of wisdom covered in little specks of anger at times, the scent of his aftershave that lingers around even when he's out somewhere. 

Home is my mum's presence; her smile as soon as I walk in through the doors, the unlimited advice she gives, the smell of her cooking... but most of all, home is in her arms. 

12.09.16

You know when people say time heals? It's the most superficial line ever that people think is comforting. 

5 years tomorrow. 5 years to the exact day I lost you. The days are flying by and it still seems like only yesterday that I had you by my side, advising me about what to do; still seems like just the other day you were laughing at me because I found law cases funny whilst I was revising; seems like it was yesterday you were taking the mick because I was making my room even more pink than it already was. 

It's Eid Ul Adha tomorrow. Earlier on in the year, people were saying Eid may fall on 9/11 but when it was confirmed it's on the 12th, I felt so numb. How can we celebrate on the same day our hearts broke into a million pieces? And every other Eid, it's like how can we celebrate, without you here? 

Time doesn't heal. Time just gives you another day to get on with the same pain and the same heartbreak.

Reminded.

How does time pass us by so quick? 

I came across something that reminded me of some of our precious times. I came home after graduation and you were there waiting for me. I said I'm going to have a quick shower and then we all sat down looking through the professional pictures and deciding which ones to order. We picked the best ones out of the bunch and I kept them aside. 

Fast forward a few weeks and I knew they were about to be delivered soon. When I used to pop home on my own for a few hours, I used to sit by the door waiting for the post but it didn't come then. 

And then one of the first nights after I came back home, I didn't care anymore. I didn't even want the photos. 

The morning that it came, Mum opened the door for the delivery man and got the box up to my room. I stayed in bed and pretended to sleep a little longer until Mum came in and actually woke me up and pointed to the box. 

I closed my eyes again and pretended not to see it properly. I didn't want to open it. Not without you. I didn't want to see the photos, knowing you'd never be able to see them with me. It still shatters my heart everytime I see one of the photos or when I see the box again.

Maybe one day, we can talk about this memory once again. Maybe one day, when Allah (swt) reunites us in Jannah. ❤️ 

Dreams.

"Don't worry." 

& even after all this time, it's like you're still with us. ❤️

There's so much injustice in this world.

"later that night

I held an atlas in my lap

ran my fingers across the whole world

and whispered

where does it hurt?

it answered

everywhere

everywhere

everywhere."

- Warsan Shire

I pray that we are forever in each others lives and we see the best days of our lives together...

"We fell for the rusty souls, the hidden hearts and the unspoken words. No matter how much you let go, a love like that is never lost. Because if there's one thing she knew, it was that his arms were home." ❤️

See you again.

"It's been a long day, without you my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again." 

17/03/2015.

A little angel went back home to heaven today. May Allah (swt) grant him the highest ranks of Jannah and reunite him with his amazing mummy in the hereafter. Ameen.